August 28th, 2014

Sweetest Kian Thomas,

You're one month old today!

Where has the time gone?

Its gone to two am feedings and diaper changes. Its gone to rocking and bouncing through the early morning.

Its gone to trying to figure out how you fit into our already perfected routine.

Its gone to realizing our family wasn't whole until you arrived.

Happy one month baby boy.

I love you forever,

Mommy

August 23rd, 2014

Sweetest Kian Thomas,

It's almost three am. You just ate and fell back asleep but I haven't gotten up to put you in bed just yet. I'm trying to memorize the weight of you here, and the funny faces you make as you dream. I try to imagine what magical places you're visiting; by your smiles I can tell wherever you are is breathtaking.
My hope for you is you keep on dreaming of big things, bigger than I or your father could ever grasp. Chase that dream, until your left broken and exhausted from failure, then pick yourself up and do it again. You will never regret chasing your passion. One day, if you keep at it, amazing things will happen. You will do great things. Things I could never dream of as I sit here, lost in your face.

"Congratulations, today is your day. Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way!" - Dr. Seuss

I love you forever baby boy,

Mommy

August 17th, 2014

Sweetest Kian Thomas,

Hi handsome boy.

You're almost three weeks old! Where has the time gone? I'll tell you where it's gone. It's gone to sleepless nights and round the clock feeding. It's gone to the 10th play of Nightmare Before Christmas to keep your sister happy. It's gone to 100 tear-filled diaper changes. It's gone to hours of watching you dream.

Yesterday you met your big cousin Owen who is just three months older than you. Play dates at this age are mostly breast feeding and naps, but it was still fun. I can picture you two playing in the mud and causing mischief in the very near future.

I love you forever baby boy,
Mommy

August 12th, 2014

Sweetest Kian Thomas,

Here we are, sitting next to the open back door. A much needed summer monsoon is steadily roaring outside. The breeze is amazing, the smell: perfection. Big sis is watching nightmare before christmas and hanging out. Daddy and Damen are scampering around upstairs.

Everyone went outside to play in the rain while we sat and cuddled. I so wanted tp go play but when you decide you want to eat there is no pursuading you otherwise.

A package came in the mail for you today. Auntie Ashlyn bought you a wampa rug which if I may say, you look especially handsome on.

I love you forever baby boy,

Mommy

August 7th, 2014

Sweetest Kian Thomas,

I may be over posting today, I don't think you'll care. Your sister is stomping around upset that the Wii U remote's batteries are dead. She'd like to watch Nightmare Before Christmas for the third time today.

Anyway, I decided it was important to tell you that since the day you were born you've been able to hold your head up for small amounts of time.

Slow down, little guy!

I love you forever,

Mommy

August 7th, 2014

YOU AND ME

it’s 2:43am right now
the nights and early mornings belong to us.
you and me.
the hum of snoring from upstairs, the early morning singing from the birds..
and then there’s you and me, the glow of the living room full of our dance
while the rest of the world around us sleeps.

in these moments
it’s you and me…
and i try to memorize every bit of you
all of these bits of you that are my world,  i think ‘how could i ever forget this? i will never forget this’
but of course i will.. because you will continue to grow, newly emerging and constantly evolving and so much to soak up.. so much.

right now
i imprint it in my mind
what it feels like to scoop  up all 27 pounds of you in my arms, the weight of you feels familiar, how will i ever forget this?
…but i’ve already forgotten the weight of your tiny seven and a half pounds, swimming out of the waters and to my chest…
the way you curl into me, nestling in deep.. as if to be one with me again
…i can barely remember how my swollen belly touched my thighs as i sat, your world inside me.
the way your sweet golden head fits in my hands
…that moment of feeling the silk of you between worlds.. when your head actually fit cradled in my hand.
your bunny teeth when you laugh
… your first gummy smile that is a long distant memory of many smiles

there was a time when i didn’t even know *you* … impossible

how can i hang on to it all… my memory betrays me
your sister sleeps sprawled next to us in bed, and in those moments, my world is expanding and crushing all at once. my god.. my girl.. when did you get to *be* ?
hardly recognizable from the wee one that was once my you & me, night time dance and moonlit serenade.

here i sit
the sweetest suckles of you at my breast
your fat fingers, dimples dotting your hands.. holding onto my shirt, exploring my mouth, nose, eyes..
your eyes that are looking into mine.. your eyes that are mine

i’ll forget the way you babble
the sound that i know so well
your voice, the only voice of yours that i know
i would know in a crowd
that very one… i’ll forget
as it’s replaced with even more of you

oh it’s bittersweet
these milestones and memories are like stretchmarks
first so brightly hued. so vivid against the blank spaces
so deep and rich
and then they fade with time, they are there.. still woven in to the fabric of *being*
but forgotten about.. blending in to the rest
silvered and soft
when you suddenly pay attention, catch a glimpse, you just may be able to recall what each one was
but probably not
they all start to fade together, become part of the whole story.. the whole package
every little journey
so obviously there
and yet…
memory fails
and i’m left in the middle of the night, with you in my arms
trying to memorize the weight of you
the scent behind your ears
the way your chubby foot fits in my palms
the way your eyes search mine as i sing, rocking you to sleep.

i’ll miss this you & me
and i love this..
and i can’t wait for more

but right now
all i’m thinking about
is memorizing the weight of you in my arms
how will i ever forget
when you’re towering over me, a grown man child
who once fit so sweetly in my arms, my you & me.

August 7th, 2014

Sweetest Kian Thomas,


Hi little nugget! You're such a good baby. The past week we've been home you've been very busy eating, sleeping, and eating again. In fact, when we went in for your 1 week check up you'd already gained back your birth weight. CHUNK.

Auntie Ashlyn ordered you this really sweet Wampa skin rug. I can't wait to roll it out and immediately take 1000 pictures of you on it.

Oh, gotta go. Big sis is trying to color the kitty.

I love you forever baby boy,

Mommy

August 3rd, 2014

Sweetest Kian Thomas,

You are six days old.

I thought I'd tell you about your traumatizing entry into this world.

Mommy had a scheduled cesarean because your brother and sister were also c-section babies. Mommy and daddy arrived at the hospital around 5:30. After some paperwork and signatures I was hooked up to some IV fluids and told to hang out for a while. Around 7:30 we were taken back and I was prepped for surgery.

After the spinal, things go pretty quickly.  While I was laying down on the table, I noticed one of the surgical lights was broken. This means it was basically like a mirror. I could see them cutting me open. BLECH. No matter how hard I tried to look away, I kept peeking. It made me kind of nauseous.

Then I feel enormous pressure on my stomach. One of the nurses was literally jumping on my stomach to get you out. Your head was too big for my incision! Because of the spinal it wasn't painful, but it sure as hell wasn't comfortable.

Then at 7:59 am, July 28th, it was your birthday. You were pissed. At 7 pounds 7 ounces, you were almost a full pound heavier than your brother and sister were!

Since then you have been a perfectly sweet and handsome baby boy. You eat and sleep for three hours, then repeat.

And here we are, getting into our routine. 

I'll love you always baby boy,

Mommy